i seem to have lost the ability to put my thoughts into words.
i just... don't want to disappoint anybody. and by thinking that way, I disappoint everybody.
don't look at me like that, don't say you're 'frustrated' with me because i don't try enough. i try to try, but i get afraid. i'm not any good at anything, so what's the point? there's always a place where I stop understanding, and everyone else still gets it. what am I missing? i'm trying to get it, but my brain just won't go there.
and after 8 hours of doubting myself, i go stare at a compu for 8 more hours like a zombie. not doing anything, just entertaining myself for little moments to get away from the guilt.
it's really disgusting.
sometimes i think that, in my 17 years of life, i've screwed my personality up so badly it's not even worth it. i think horrible thoughts about good people.
Well. I'm trying this whole 'blog from my phone' thing, but that means no video right away. 8DD;; so be patient yes =3=
I'll still write about the song I'll post though 8D
twitter 8D because that's been stuck in my head lately. I don't normally notice the japanese lyrics of a song but it's pretty much impossible not to admire 'ai no I know sainou nai yo'. It's just so genius *____*~~~
I've been alternating between looping guriri and miku, though. guriri cuz well duh guriri and miku because the p did a really good job tuning her. Like, normally I don't listen to the vocaloid's voice much either (specifically, I mean I do listen to mostly originals, but I don't listen to the voice, just the tune of the song)... but god, miku just sounds amazing here. her final aaa. hnng. when I sing it I sing like guriri though 8D well. not like guriri but I copy her tone and style too much 8DDDD ah boy if I dub it, I'll sound just like a guriri copycat huh ;;;;;;;
I've been pissed off at the world lately. Like. cursing people and all that fun stuff 8D everyone's so proud of me. well. actually I'm not proud of me. I never meant to become this big a bitch 8DDDD what happened to the sweet kind kitty 8D
well. she never really existed I guess so whatever 8D
I'm such a jealous person though 8D I didn't even think I was a jealous person until last year 8D but alas! jealousy. and now I realize that I'm pretty much jealous of everything to some extent. 8D I'm the most jealous person I know for sure 8D
why am I ranting about myself 8DD
that reminds me 8D so recently my class did poetry readings... my school does Poetry Out Loud, which is this weird poetry recitation competition, and every year no matter what you have to memorize two poems and read them to the class. It kind of sucks, but it's also a lot like acting so it's ok in that way.
... well. this year I forgot until the day before, so it was kind of stressful. But I didn't mess up too bad I guess so that's ok xDD
One of my english teachers (there's two) did something very nice though 8D after it was all over she came up to me and complimented my 'poetry voice' ;w;
Like. I already said that I think of it as acting. And my bitch of a drama teacher pretty much destroyed any confidence I had in my acting skills... er. she picks favorites hard. I am not one of them. She didn't even cast me at all this year, not even in the spring show, and since I'm a senior and that would be my last show at the school... well. it's tradition to cast seniors who act in their last show. it would have been nicer if she punched me in the face and cussed me out. I'm so pissed at her I don't even know 8D such a bitch~
and I don't think I'm an amazing actress, but I know I'm decent. (I watched too many horrible auditions at the middle school to think otherwise. just. emotionless recitation of words. -shudder-) And mrs. english teacher reinforced my beliefs. If drama teacher actually cast me and worked with me, I could be good, I think. But now she'll never know 8D
Ah, but other english teacher pissed me off 8D I asked her for a college recommendation letter, and she did it the day of my first deadline. I wanted to apply before then but I couldn't. I was like. 8D. this is my future you procrastinated on, thank you very much~
.. see what I mean about turning into a bitch 8DDD someone needs to give me a smack in the face or something 8D
well. I guess a good thing. even though my reader probably already knows this (everyone suddenly got sick of my blog and stopped reading 8DDDD)
new years, on a whim, I sent that out and things resolved a little. not much but enough so that if we never talk again I can die not feeling upset about the past year.
Stupid 2011 8D how did you manage to be so good yet so bad 8D january february I don't remember, march and april I was a whiny little bitch, may I was so happy, june, still pretty happy, july and august worried and stressed over nothing- muchos ruido y pocas nueces, I think- september a bitch again, october november a bigger bitch, and december... hit everything from stressed bitch to optimistic nyanface.
... euh. I was only happy two months. but even so, I was so happy those two months .-. they make up for all the bitchiness the rest of the way through, imo.
But. That's the past. I know that's the past and for once I'm fine that it's the past. And... I'm not just saying that. Somehow I know this time it's really really over. No more stressing about that thing. From now on I'll look back fondly on the year I was 16.
I found this list the other day that I made on my 17th birthday, 100 reasons to be thankful for my 16th year. What a weird thing to make. But I was really happy I made it. It reminded me that no matter what, from now on I have to keep my chin up. There's no alternative, so... I have to. And... that just might be okay.
well. enough for right now I guess. I'm still pretty busy with all this college shit. orz.
plus my hands hurt 8D I typed all that on a phone 8DDDD;;;
there are too many songs that make me feel guilty, I think. Every time I hear one that I broke a commitment on, I feel guilty. 'Sure, let's sing that together!' But then we don't. and it's always my fault. there's an infinite number of songs like that. What about 'Magnet' and 'Nyansei' and 'From Y to Y' and 'Kasane Territory' and 'Gemini' and 'siGrE' and 'Sadistic Vampire' and 'Acute' and 'Cursed Glasses'? I agreed to be Meiko in a AHS dub, too, back in 2009 that I never did. I missed the deadline for the Cat Food groupdub I was excited about. The three songs I even now want to sing for mitto and shoy and trin's birthdays, and the song I was going to sing for Secret Santa. And, what about... There are three that, when I hear, the guilt is really overwhelming. Sayonara Memories. Shinkai Shoujo. Yami Iro Alice. and it's surely ok if I say their names now. I mean... nothing's going to happen. Those songs didn't complete their purposes. And, in each case, it's entirely my fault. OTL
but... this song is a different type of guilt.
it's actually 'regret'. That's the same thing, isn't it? It's only guilt over your past actions. They're surely the same.
... what did I want? a happy end?
Yeah, I guess I did. although I knew all along that it was impossible. I'm such an idiot. Every part of me is an idiot.
it's been so long since that all happened, too. Well. Nothing even happened. I should have been fine with this, because nothing happened. but somehow my stupid heart mixed itself up again and made it so that even now I'm scared.
how many times, now, have I declared myself free of this? And still these thoughts don't let up. it's terrifying. not healthy. I need this to stop now. what's gonna happen to me if it doesn't? Even someone like me.... I'm having thoughts like "I want to leave this place" just because of that. Sentimentals don't work that way. They don't want to leave places. They linger in classrooms after graduation and dream about what could have been. That's what should have happened.
And that's kind of what did happen. I stayed far too long. But there's still a year left... even so, it was too long.
ah, but. Boys Don't Cry. hm. it seems like everyone cries. Silly fatman. no, I was joking. I know that's the point. I miss your songs. Come back, please.
sometimes, you just hear a song at the right moment in your life, and it hits you between your ribs so hard it hurts. This song. Actually, I'd heard it before. I had it downloaded, so I must have. But I never really listened to it until t12111's utau sang it. The lyrics froze me. It's a common comment on the video it seems, but 'that is me.'
such an overused phrase... i can't help it though... it is me.
and it hurts like hell to listen to this song, but now I can't even take it off repeat.
... this topic really depressed me today. thank god there's only two more prompts left.
I had an ear appointment today. I only have those every two years... so I guess I should explain. The hearing in my left ear is kind of bad. I can't hear high pitched noises so easily. My right ear's normal, though, thankfully, and I function like a regular human being and so far I've convinced the doctor that I don't need a hearing aid. Cuz well I don't. I'm fine.
Well, today... my hearing scored lower than normal. It hasn't ever gone down before, but it went down by 5 decibels across the chart. I was nervous, but such consistent results imply that... it really did go down. They said that's just the first signs of my body getting old... but... tinnitus... I think everyone's preparing for me to get it. Last time, they told me that it could come up at the earliest at age 20. This time they said it could start tomorrow.
I don't care if it's something a lot of people have. If my ear rings forever, I will lose my mind.
Oh, yeah. That just passed the other day... two years since YTC forums were created. Kitty was reincarnated back to the internet with renewed purpose. Two years, and all that's left is... three people I talk to.
and those relationships with said people... they're deteriorating so fast. I know it's completely my fault. But I don't even know what to do about it at this point. I tried so hard. I miss how we used to talk... but everyone now is busy, it seems
i really miss old ytc. although I was just a background character even then, just talking and laughing with everyone was so much fun.
I... realized some stuff recently, and it will trouble me until I do something about it. it was fun in this little home in the internet for a long while, but now... everyone else except for me has moved onto new people. it's quite understandable though. nothing can last forever, especially in the modern world. people always get bored of each other. I have before, too. but before the internet, there was no easy way to do something about that- get out of 'here' and make new friends. but, there's worthy candidates everywhere online. and so it's easy, right?
I don't have the energy to bug people anymore to be my friend. Things like message them first on skype because I think they like me... I don't know that anymore. You're probably bored of me. I can't blame you if you are...
... thinking such thoughts get me nowhere. I need to move on too.
Cantarella. Cuz well it's kind of famous for its violining. 8D;
I really do like this song 8D it's really old now... was old even when I became a vocaloid fan 8DDDDDD;;;;; but, it's sexy, dammit!!! not even time can take the sex from this song!!!!!
and this PV is like.. black and white wonderfulness~ it's my favorite one by far 8D all the others have too many colors and characters 8D
there's so many PVs for this song... for a lot of older songs, but this one especially 8D
... looked it up. Cantarella is a few months shy of its fourth birthday. Holy god.
-20 minutes later-
Looping old songs. Like like Melt and JBF and Romeo and Cinderella and World is Mine andd etc. CLASSICS. AAAAAAA..
OH MY GOD ALICE HUMAN SACRIFICE ;W; R-REMEMBER HOW HORRIBLY THE VOCALOIDS WERE ALL TUNED. AND HOW WE LOVED IT BECAUSE IT JUST MADE IT CREEPIER. A-AND NOW WE ALMOST HAVE FANCY-ASS GODLIKE KAITO APPEND ;w;
a-and all their old PVs ;w; they were all so... like... static and picturebooklike. ;;w;; things made in wmm ;;;w;;; yes original wmm NOT WLMM BECAUSE THIS WAS ALL BEFORE WINDOWS SEVENNNNNN.
I really love Kaito Appends though *w* Sennen no Dokusouka is another old favorite of mine, and... oh god. Kaito append Sennen no Dokusouka completely retaught me what a eargasm is. I thought I knew, but no, I hadn't a clue. I cannot literally move my body while it is playing. I can't think in coherent sentences. Every so often I have to take a deep breath cuz my heart's beating so fast I forgot to breathe.
... oh my. I was going to be serious today, but can I after that?
e-ehe. I'll try my best =w=;; because I have to write long today. I promised I would.
me and my friends were talking the other day after halloween (they postponed trick or treat a week because of the snow) about how we couldn't eat candy like we could when we were little. Like, the sugar gives us headaches now, and hershey's chocolate has this funny taste to it, and reese's peanut butter is like powdery... and how gross it all was.
I miss enjoying those candies, but I guess it's good to allow yourself to dislike something if you know you're going to dislike it eventually anyways, right?
I still have nine more technical months of minorhood, but I think... when it's time, it will be ok to be an adult. this silly world of teenagers has left me tired.
ah, but I went to trick or treat with my little cousins ;w; they got so big OTL now they're as old as I was when they were born... OTL kids really do grow up fast.
hm. But, it's ok. Yeah, I've been more to terms with that lately than I ever have been, I think. College, perhaps...? Out of this miserable place, finally. Even if it's a place filled with more good memories than bad, even I eventually get tired. I don't want to see it anymore. Even though I do.
man, I'm just a walking contradiction, huh?
well, I guess I should explain a couple things. at least on the internet, everyone seems to attend university and live at home. That's... my state is small enough so that 'going out of state' for college is entirely possible and is in fact, at least among my friends, far more common. Even if I wanted to stay in state, the unis that everyone seems to go to are all far away... OTL so that's my situation.
Well, for whatever college I pick, I pretty much want no one I know to go there =3=)p there I will study my art and be happy. and after that I'll sell stuff for money and travel places and probably at some point or another become a hermit but a traveling hermit. and then I'll retire and hopefully die in a situation so that someone will find my body relatively quickly. If my organs are still good, then donate them, please.
and so is my life.
... the big picture is a little depressing. OTL.
well... for now, there's college. and who knows, maybe what happens in college will influence my plans for life. I don't count on it, but it's interesting and will distract my mind for a little longer.
sure, the leaves are beautiful, but only for a moment. then, they're all shriveled beneath my feet. the trees are bare, like dying hands clutching feebly at the sky, the one beautiful object left in this world.
but the leaves haven't even changed colors yet this year. I wonder why; they usually do by now.
Day something or other- a song you listen to when you're sad.
I'm not really a big supercell fan... at all... but, for some reason, I've been looping this song lately. That's a pain to do, though, because for some reason the sound file I have is 9 minutes long instead of 4:50ish ._.;
I haven't bothered to look up a translation, so I'm not entirely sure whether it's happy or sad. It seems to me to be bittersweet, though, and I'm reminded of the speed at which cherry blossoms fall while listening to it. This song... it's really good for taking a sad Kitty and making her into... not a happy one, but a serene one. This song, especially at 2 AM, calms my nerves, makes me take a deep breath, and deal with the future. Because, whether or not I lose my hat or my best friend... it's coming. And I have to learn how to deal with that.
I'm starting to believe more and more that my life is filled with metaphors and symbolism. This isn't very healthy, hm ._.
but an eerily accurate piece came to my attention a few weeks ago, and if you don't mind a little vagueness, I'd like to try to explain it, more to preserve it in my memories forever than show it to you.
let's just say, there was a real piece of paper that was ripped off a wall recently, but the tape that held the paper to the wall remained.
more and more, something feels wrong to the wall, and to the tape, and to the viewer, because the tape is still there, but the paper isn't. The viewer wonders why the tape exists, except as to serve as a quiet memorial to the past. True, the tape is still good, and it might be used in the future to help hold up other papers, but it is far more likely that the tape will be torn down in a rage, or ignored for the rest of its life. The viewer fears this wastefulness, but right now, she cannot stand to touch the tape and work with it. All she wants is the original paper to be held up by that tape once again. Or, perhaps, the viewer is the tape, and she feels something missing now, a reason to exist. she can never have that particular piece of paper again, though. It was lost forever.
Letting go of the past... she has far too much trouble with it.
see what I mean? so much from a stupid piece of paper.
but, in my defense, one only gets such a precise and lovely piece of real-life symbolism in their lifetime. symbolism that is not overtly cheesy. symbolism has a thousand possible interpretations, each and every one being uncannily true.
such feelings spurred me to stalk down some of my earlier online friends today.
one messaged me on my past 17th birthday, despite it being over two years since we last talked. I won't lie, I teared up a little and generally felt like a despicable person.
I'm very much wondering who they are and who they expect me to be. I'm such a different person now than I was in 2009, 2007, 2005, whenever. I haven't changed as much as some people do, sure, but nonetheless, different enough to provoke a slight tilt of the head, 'what happened to you?'
and really nothing 'happened' to me except a bout of maturity, or maybe perhaps a bout of a wanton nature, concealed as maturity.
maybe I learned how to deal with myself better, I don't know. I get less shocked nowadays. Things sink in more slowly, and a lot less painfully, but that comes at the cost of feeling like I'm shallow, like it never really 'sunk in' at all. even if it did.
I have so much I want to blog about, but it's really not possible right now or ever to say such things. some things are stupid, and not worth writing about, other things are stupid but will hurt if discovered, and the last few things really are important but aren't mine to tell.
... reading sentences like the above, it's kind of sad to believe that I'm more honest towards my blog than any human being ever.
(er, yes, human beings read my blog, but I write this more for myself, either to help me think through things or to help me archive my thoughts at a certain date.)
Business and distractions are truly wonderful things to a distressed mind, hm? However, I'm neglecting them all right now to be a little selfish and write today.
Am reading Pride and Prejudice for English, by the way. I adore it. If any of you readers adore it as well, please talk to me about it. I'm dying to fangirl over it. .A.;
but, Jane Austen combined with my rather depressed state of mind makes me write extra-poetically. It's really over the top here, hmm? so, sorry. OTL
The first day of my senior year of high school is in 5 hours.
I'm really pretty scared. It's the start of the end, huh? The whole five centimeters per second stuff. I really doubt I'll keep most of my high school friends through life. Like, if they want to stay my friend, I'll talk to them, but... we've all changed so much. Do we even want to be friends still? Or is it a force of habit?
Part of me's a little excited for college again, but most of me is still dreading it. I don't want to go through life fiercely gripping a memory, though. Please, by the end of this year, let me be fully ready to leave this place. Allow me to go without regrets or longings. It will make the future that much easier.
But, alas, I should leave such discussions for times when it's not 3 hours before I need to wake up.
Seriously. It's so badass. When you're mad... at least, for me, it's so nice to hear something empowering for once. Not too emotional... and... yhe. 8D since most of the time, my music is either light pop or dark and soft. (so extreme wry)
And Easypop is a vibrator for the ears. =////=~
Today was such a good day.
I'll talk next time, though, about it. I'm tired, and haven't had time to properly reflect yet. =w=)b
That and I realized I've been blogging about irl more and more lately, so... OTL
I REALLY DON'T HAVE A LIFE GUYS
I JUST LIKE TO PRETEND SOMETIMES THAT I HAVE ONE ;A; L-LEAVE ME BE
emotions are funny things, huh?
ok, srs buisness time. cuz I haven't been serious in a while (not counting that last entry. I've set it to private, actually.)
I hate it so much when just one person hates me... far more so than if a hundred people liked me. so, forget more than one person hating me. OTL
but it seems like it's all working out now...? finally. maybe it was all in my head. it was probably all in my head. but if it was real, it working out certainly had nothing to do with the kittiot doing something right.
... this is kind of weird...
ok, since my last entry, I've been worried sick. And.... now that I suffered for a long time worrying... I'm actually quite happy. That I worried. Like... it was some punishment I needed? And now I can relax.
... god that sounds so masochistic wtf
but, worrying in itself is bad. it's really quite detrimental to my health. I'm the type to overeat, not undereat, too... hard to lose weight when you're like that T_T actually, I tend to eat less if I'm happy. Or extremely stressed and busy? Weird mix there, but truths. But maybe it's not so different... distraction is really good for me sometimes, so maybe 'over' distraction is actually... helpful?
it's so frustrating, to be ruled by other people like this. OTL I don't want to be this person anymore.
what does redemption mean, anyways? To become who you always wanted to be? Someone who stays the same, no matter who she talks to.
But, with memories of who you were. weak and a liar.
redemption.. I want it, like everyone else does, but it seems like no one quite knows how to get there. how are we supposed to find it?
I know I didn't handle it right.. not in the slightest... but I got too scared to do anything else.
since I hurt one person, it's only fair to hurt the other person in order to protect the first person from any more harm, right?
I didn't mean for it to get this far.
I guess I just assumed that one person would forgive me. Like I hadn't been a total bitch to one person in the past. I just assumed that one person would happily talk to me again. But other person, you did nothing wrong. Nothing at all. But I don't want you to think poorly of one person, so I lied to you, and now you'll think poorly of me.
see, I'm certain that one person is depending on other person way way more than I depend on other person. It might even be a subconscious dependency, but... what other person does and what other person represents... that means the world to one person.
I can't take away one person's world. I just can't.
Even if it means destroying other person's trust in me? I guess.
I really do have work tomorrow, though.
..... here's the big one...
.... I asked for it, because it was the easiest way to lie.
god I'm an ass. I hate me.
But I can't ask for help anymore. I won't allow myself to.
things like 'help me do this'... those type of people, the type that listen to me won't be around much longer. then no one will care. So, shouldn't I stop now?
The stupid shell in my heart is screaming out at me. "I didn't mean to hurt anyone! My intentions were good!"
even if you didn't mean to, it doesn't change the fact that you did.
weren't you the one begging people to be more honest? then you turn around and create this lie monstrosity?
and do good intentions mean anything if no one knows why you did it?
Seriously, this song is fantastic. Yes, it is pretty popular, but it's so hard that people don't dub it much, even though I've seen a bunch of people say that they will. =3=)p I love this song so much... it makes me saaad waaaaaah ;-; It's so sexy, and has a badass message to beat.
Oh, also, Oneesama, I-I know you creep it =3=)b just like I creep yours 8D <3 i-it makes me happy when I see your name updated in the 'blog visitors' list... (same for anyone, actually) ... and I'm always afraid I'm not mature enough, so you saying that made me happy also, orz. Thank you ;-; <3
Today was the last technical day of my junior year of high school.
No one usually goes on the last day, though... it's a makeup day for missed finals, and people almost never miss finals. UNLESS THEY DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THEM LIKE ME THIS YEAR. HAHA BITCHES.
But this year, my friend held a Cake Party, so people showed up for that... I actually didn't attend most of it OTL but today still ended up being pretty fun owo!! cuz another one of my friends and some of his friends were in the gym, and they were trying to show me how to spar with LARP weapons /o/; I'm so weak wtf OTL I can barely hold a foam weapon 8D
but anyways it was really fun... and then the rest of the people at the cake party came down, and then everyone started fighting. THEN WE GOT FREE LUNCH. THEN THERE WAS A MEGA BATTLE, Noobs versus real LARPers. GAAH FUNN. Someone said, "This is the most fun I think I've ever had at school"... I think I agree wholeheartedly.
It's real scary though, being a senior. I'm in utter shock. 2012 always seemed so far away... now, I know I'm less than 365 days from that diploma. I actually only need a half credit of English in order to fulfill graduation requirements, so I could graduate in January if I wanted to. I won't, but I could. =3=;
oh and I need to pay class dues. All of them. =3=;;;;;;;;
But a lot is changing, eh? One of my bestest friends left today for smart people's summer school... she'll do great, but I'll miss her ): we used to see fireworks together on the fourth of July... I'll miss that. OTL Also, there was an Italian exchange student that we befriended, and she returns to Italy on Monday. Not to mention all the seniors who just graduated. D:
There's something eerie about it all... when you're a freshmen, everything feels so new and exciting. You can't wait for graduation. But, when your senior year finally rolls around... you feel empty. A lot of memories are in you, of people who left, events... it's sad, kind of. I know, keep on living for tomorrow... but when all's said and done, I'll miss high school. Even if it hurts sometimes. A lot of the time.
... Ah, I do have a year left... remember that, idiot cat T_T ughhh I'm such a sentimental wiiimp... OTL
This year went by so fast. =.=;;
Who was I, one year ago? How have I changed?
This time last year... I felt very broken. I didn't know the meaning of a 'deep friendship' so well. I was scared and done with school.
Now... I ended the year with many a late night, but I feel alright. Let's get up and learn more.
I'm ok. No, actually, I can't wait until tomorrow. :)
I-I've been procrastinating about updating this....
but, the funny thing is, I didn't forget
More like... I've been blogging in my head? yeah. idk.
Well, a couple of things happened.
First... long time ago, I GOT MY LETTER SQUEE.
Then... I SURVIVED AP TESTING SQUEE
Then... I took SAT subject tests
Then... I turned in my application for Art Honors at my school
Then... I took real SATs
Then... I did pretty well on subject tests \o/
Then... Seniors graduated.
Then... I HFLHDHLHLFLFLKSDFFHSOMEHOW GOT INTO ART HONORS HDLKEDLFDL
Then... I got my license!!
^my life in a nutshell. Leaving out the emotional crap, of course. Mitto knows too much about that. Poor Mitto, protecting me like that 8D;
Anyways... I don't know.
To be honest, the real reason that I neglected this thing was because I was too... happy to update it. =w=; My mood improved drastically last month. I love spring, but I can't help but wonder if there's more to it.
Now? My mood's... not as good, but still hella up there, especially for a sentimental person like me during a sentimental time of year.
It's just that... idunno... I got bolder?
I'm sixteen years old, and all those stupid adults say stuff like 'youth was the best' and... I just don't want to waste it.
I don't really feel like writing any more right now.