2011/08/25 23:30So, I'm 17 now, huh.
and... I don't know. any excitement I had just seems to have been replaced with fear. I'm so scared right now. I hate looking at colleges. I don't want to leave these people, at high school, even though high school isn't very fun. Is college fun? I dunno. I kind of don't want it to be.
That movie, Five Centimeters per Second... that's what I'm thinking of right now. Ending up alone, in an apartment, in 10 years with no one but myself and a job. That's the future I always said I wanted- a new start- but that future is also the scariest. If I were to take a risk and change who I am as a person... could I do it? And if I failed, I'd not only be alone, I'd be dishonest and alone.
of course, how far is that from what I am now?
... no. right now, I'm not alone. I'm dishonest as hell, but I'm not alone. Of course, once june 14, 2012 or whenever I graduate comes along, I'll be alone. That's a big fear of mine, that the only thing holding my friendships together is a stupid little high school... no, it's not a fear, it's the truth. It's an unspoken one, but I think we all agreed on some level... we all want to start over in college. That means no more high school.
I was the first person to say that.
but, the thing is, I do want so badly to start over. It's just... god, I'm nothing but a coward.
I've been gaming a lot lately. I think that's part of it. why oh why do I suck at games so much? I'm alright at rpgs, but... god. shooters. I can't aim for my life 8D I'm only partially decent on melee modes... ie, only slightly noobish instead of oh my god what a shitty player how can they live with themselves annihilate them immediately before my eyes fall out of my head and rot on the floor.
come on, stupid guns. ;-; I mean, I've played shooters a little, at least. I should be the tiniest bit better.
MMO shooters are so much fun, too =A= the atmosphere, and the characters... gaah~ <3 plus, their pay-for content is usually a lot less desirable. Like, in a rpg game, pretty much all the pretty stuff costs you, but in a shooter, there might be only one item you really want to get, and the rest is in-game coins. =w=;
although there's a lot more hackers in shooters. they ain't fun. D<