Ehehehe.

僕は君のため  君は僕のため

cats cry, but they shouldn't.

2011/11/24 00:26
please don't read this if your mood is bad...

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Day 28 - A song that makes you feel guilty

... ahaha.. ha...

~song challenge headquarters~


there are too many songs that make me feel guilty, I think. Every time I hear one that I broke a commitment on, I feel guilty. 'Sure, let's sing that together!' But then we don't. and it's always my fault. there's an infinite number of songs like that. What about 'Magnet' and 'Nyansei' and 'From Y to Y' and 'Kasane Territory' and 'Gemini' and 'siGrE' and 'Sadistic Vampire' and 'Acute' and 'Cursed Glasses'? I agreed to be Meiko in a AHS dub, too, back in 2009 that I never did. I missed the deadline for the Cat Food groupdub I was excited about. The three songs I even now want to sing for mitto and shoy and trin's birthdays, and the song I was going to sing for Secret Santa. And, what about... There are three that, when I hear, the guilt is really overwhelming. Sayonara Memories. Shinkai Shoujo. Yami Iro Alice. and it's surely ok if I say their names now. I mean... nothing's going to happen. Those songs didn't complete their purposes. And, in each case, it's entirely my fault. OTL

but... this song is a different type of guilt.

it's actually 'regret'. That's the same thing, isn't it? It's only guilt over your past actions. They're surely the same.

... what did I want? a happy end?

Yeah, I guess I did. although I knew all along that it was impossible. I'm such an idiot. Every part of me is an idiot.

it's been so long since that all happened, too. Well. Nothing even happened. I should have been fine with this, because nothing happened. but somehow my stupid heart mixed itself up again and made it so that even now I'm scared.

how many times, now, have I declared myself free of this? And still these thoughts don't let up. it's terrifying. not healthy. I need this to stop now. what's gonna happen to me if it doesn't? Even someone like me.... I'm having thoughts like "I want to leave this place" just because of that. Sentimentals don't work that way. They don't want to leave places. They linger in classrooms after graduation and dream about what could have been. That's what should have happened.

And that's kind of what did happen. I stayed far too long. But there's still a year left... even so, it was too long.

ah, but. Boys Don't Cry. hm. it seems like everyone cries. Silly fatman.
no, I was joking. I know that's the point. I miss your songs. Come back, please.

sometimes, you just hear a song at the right moment in your life, and it hits you between your ribs so hard it hurts. This song. Actually, I'd heard it before. I had it downloaded, so I must have. But I never really listened to it until t12111's utau sang it. The lyrics froze me. It's a common comment on the video it seems, but 'that is me.'

such an overused phrase... i can't help it though... it is me.

and it hurts like hell to listen to this song, but now I can't even take it off repeat.


... this topic really depressed me today. thank god there's only two more prompts left.


---

I had an ear appointment today. I only have those every two years... so I guess I should explain. The hearing in my left ear is kind of bad. I can't hear high pitched noises so easily. My right ear's normal, though, thankfully, and I function like a regular human being and so far I've convinced the doctor that I don't need a hearing aid. Cuz well I don't. I'm fine.

Well, today... my hearing scored lower than normal. It hasn't ever gone down before, but it went down by 5 decibels across the chart. I was nervous, but such consistent results imply that... it really did go down. They said that's just the first signs of my body getting old... but... tinnitus... I think everyone's preparing for me to get it. Last time, they told me that it could come up at the earliest at age 20. This time they said it could start tomorrow.

OTL

I don't care if it's something a lot of people have. If my ear rings forever, I will lose my mind.

---


Oh, yeah. That just passed the other day... two years since YTC forums were created. Kitty was reincarnated back to the internet with renewed purpose. Two years, and all that's left is... three people I talk to.

and those relationships with said people... they're deteriorating so fast. I know it's completely my fault. But I don't even know what to do about it at this point. I tried so hard. I miss how we used to talk... but everyone now is busy, it seems

i really miss old ytc. although I was just a background character even then, just talking and laughing with everyone was so much fun.

...

I... realized some stuff recently, and it will trouble me until I do something about it. it was fun in this little home in the internet for a long while, but now... everyone else except for me has moved onto new people. it's quite understandable though. nothing can last forever, especially in the modern world. people always get bored of each other. I have before, too. but before the internet, there was no easy way to do something about that- get out of 'here' and make new friends. but, there's worthy candidates everywhere online. and so it's easy, right?

I don't have the energy to bug people anymore to be my friend. Things like message them first on skype because I think they like me... I don't know that anymore. You're probably bored of me. I can't blame you if you are...

... thinking such thoughts get me nowhere. I need to move on too.

「でも、痛い。」



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